Pokies and gambling jokes for Aussies

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Fact: Putin loves playing the pokies. Probably.
When gambling for real money, the golden rule is to never bet more than you can stand to lose. While losing is never fun, this way it’s easier to have a sense of humour about your losses rather than fall into a blind panic. If you’ve taken a hit playing pokies online and are in need of a good chuckle, or just looking for some good yarns to entertain your mates over beers, we’ve compiled a side-splitting collection of some of our favourite pokies jokes – padded out with a few of our favourite places to play online pokies.

Pokies for beginners

I was on holiday and decided to try my luck on the pokies. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn’t sure how the machines operated.
“Excuse me,” I asked a casino attendant. “How does this work?”
The employee showed me how to insert a note, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.
“And where does the money come out?” I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, “At the ATM.”

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The blonde and the pokie machine

Two blonde friends, Jenny and Jane, went together to a casino to play the pokies.
The friends agreed that when their allotted gambling money was gone, they would go sit on the beach and wait for the other to finish gambling.
Jane quickly lost all her allotted money and went to sit on the beach. She patiently waited and waited and waited…
After what seemed an eternity, she saw Jenny coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins.
“Hey, Jane,” said Jenny, “How’d you do?”
“Well,” said Jane, “You see me sitting here on the beach, so what do you think? It looks like you struck it lucky, though.”
“Oh yeah,” said Jenny, “Did I find a good pokie machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you, you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT A FIVE DOLLAR NOTE IN, DOLLAR COINS COME OUT!”

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A heart-warming tale

A man races home and yells to his wife, “Gayle, pack your things. I just won a million bucks on the pokies!”
Gayle jumps up and down excitedly and says, “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”
Her husband responds, “I don’t care. Just as long as you’re out of the house by midday!”

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Winning machines

A blonde went with her friends to a casino for the first time. She stopped in front of a vending machine and inserted several coins, pushed a button and a chocolate bar fell out. She took the chocolate, put it in the pocket and proceeded to insert money into the slot and get chocolates. A man was observing her actions with curiosity. Eventually he couldn’t stand it anymore and walked up to her and asked what she was doing. The blonde looked at him incredulously and said, “Duh! I’m winning on this pokie machine!”

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Las Vegas holiday

Three mates decided to take their wives on holiday for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around on their lunch break and discussed their holiday.
The first guy says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again. Ever since we got back, my missus flings her arms & hollers ‘7 come 11’ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”
The second guy says, “I know what you mean. My old lady played blackjack the whole time and now she slaps the bed all night and yells ‘hit me light or hit me hard’, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”
The third guy says, “You think you guys have it bad! My wife played the pokies the whole time and now I wake up each morning with an ass full of coins.”

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An education

An older bloke is stopped on the streets by police at around 2 AM and asked where he’s going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about pokies, alcohol abuse, smoking, staying out late and the effects it has on the human mind and body.”
The officer asks, “Really? Who is giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”

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A cautionary tale

A man comes home from the pub four hours later than he’d promised.
“Where the hell have you been?” screams his wife.
The man says, “I’ve been playing the pokies.”
“Playing the pokies!?” the wife yells. “Well, you can pack your bags and get out!”
“So can you,” the man says. “This isn’t our house anymore.”

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Online pokies conundrum

Online Assistance: May I know your username, sir?
Punter: My username is Daffy Pluto Mickey Minnie Donald Road Runner Speedy Gonzales London.
Online Assistance: Wow, why do you have a username like that?
Punter: Why? You guys told me it had to be 6 characters long and include a capital!

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And a few quickies…

Q) How do you make a small fortune betting on the pokies?
A) Start with a large fortune.

Q) Where’s the only place in the world you’re guaranteed to get screwed?
A) A pokies lounge.

Q) What do vampire play the pokies for?
A) High stakes!

Got a funny joke relating to the pokies? Chuck it in the comments section below, we’d love to hear it.

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